Up in the wee hours, I’m feeling the emotional wave (not weight) of the world. There is so much sadness and loss, and also so much healing and love. I want to stay focused on the latter and not the former, although I know what happened within me when I ignored the first in my own life. I need to acknowledge that the entire range of human experience exists.
Since the return of my trip to Sivananda Ashram and the revelations I had about releasing expectation and freeing myself by re-writing my story (which was part of my purpose in trekking there.), I began re-writing the roles for the people in my life; seeing them with different eyes. Letting go. Allowing me to be genuine with them, without subterfuge or expectation that they be any certain way. As I do that, I also give myself permission to treat myself that way. What if I could befriend myself, welcome myself home with open arms and open heart?
Letting Go of the Old to Embrace the New
When I began my travels last year (in a year’s time, I have been to New Orleans, California, Las Vegas, Hilton Head, Jamaica and the Bahamas), I bought a backpack and stuffed it full of whatever I could, so that it and a roll on suitcase could be my carry-on luggage. Many times when I checked baggage, it took a separate journey and didn’t arrive with me. By the time I left for this recent trip, it was frayed around the edges and one zipper kept popping open. I prayed that the contents would stay inside. Fortunately they did. I retired my backpack yesterday and found a new one made by the company, Toms, that also makes shoes. The purchase of it benefits Bullying Prevention programs. I felt socially responsible by this and loved how it symbolized refraining from self-bullying thoughts. They still pop up from time to time as I question my abilities and impact on the world.
Yesterday, a roller coaster experience of uncertainty in one area of my life turned around when additional professional opportunities arose to which I said yes. I made some decisions about prioritizing my work, did a photo shoot with my friend Terree, and decided to be fully visible and not hide behind ANYTHING (and by extension, not behind anyone or any old, worn out beliefs). I spoke with a few friends going through some personal challenges; felt honored that they reached out for support, got pampered with my monthly massage with Ruth Anne Wood, and joined the world in the loss of David Bowie. What I realized about that last one was how much his music was a thread that wove through my life and even more dramatically, that he was such a model for my own chameleon personality, as he also re-invented himself. He made it work. I question my ability to do so as successfully, but it sure is fun to attempt it.
This year already feels like I will be called on to walk my talk in every aspect of my life, trusting that God-Goddess-All-That-Is has my back and that I will be joined on my journey by so many loving and supportive souls.
Thanks for being among them
